Octane Therapy
Scared of Yes
A song about learning not to fear rejection anymore — only to realize that acceptance
can be more dangerous when it comes from people who only want what I can provide.
Stream the Track
When Acceptance Became the Fear
“Scared of Yes” is about realizing that rejection was not the thing
that damaged me the most. For most of my life, I was afraid of hearing no. I was afraid
of being unwanted, laughed at, dismissed, or left outside the door.
But after enough pain, something changed. No became familiar. No hurt, but at least
it was honest. No walked away. No left me alone, but it did not usually learn my weak
spots first.
The real fear became yes.
To me, this song is about the people who let me in just far enough to use me. The ones
who called me family, friend, brother, lover, or safe place — but only while I had
something to give. A ride. A roof. Money. Labor. Stability. Loyalty. A place to land
when their own world fell apart.
When my body broke down and I had less to offer, the room got quiet. That is where the
question started eating at me:
“Scared of Yes” is not about hating connection. That is what makes it
harder. I still want connection. I still want to believe in people. I still want a place
where I am not alone and not only valued for what I can carry.
But trust does not feel safe anymore. A yes can look like love at first, then turn into
a cage. A smile can become a hook. An open door can become another place where I lose
pieces of myself.
That is why the song also turns toward escape — pixels, engines, stars, music, and the
universe I write. Those are the places where the pain has rules, where monsters wear
their real faces, and where something can still mean something.
This song is me admitting that I am not scared of being unwanted anymore.
I am scared of being wanted for the wrong reasons.
Lyrics
DON’T.. SAY.. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! I used to fear the word no, used to choke before I spoke, heart stuck in my throat like my lungs forgot their role. Scared of the laughter, scared of the looks, scared I’d become a punchline in somebody else’s book. Then something in me changed, found my spine in the wreck, built myself from the rust, put some steel in my chest. I stopped flinching at no, stopped begging to be blessed, but nobody warned me I should be scared of yes. You learned how to stand, you learned how to breathe, then trust wore a smile and came carrying teeth. DON’T LET THEM IN! I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. I’M SCARED OF YES! Yeah, I got accepted, got the calls, got the names, got the “brother,” got the “baby,” got the “friend until the end.” But no just leaves. No just walks away. No don’t learn your weak spots then pretend it wants to stay. They wanted the shelter, the labor, the ride, the man who could fix things while he rotted inside. They loved what I carried, not what carried me. They loved the open hands, not the scars underneath. You don’t fear the closed door. You fear the open one. You don’t fear the bullet. You fear who holds the gun. DON’T SAY YES! I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. Now my body broke down and the room got thin. Funny how the phone dies when you’ve got nothing to give. Semi-bound to a chair, but the chains ain’t just steel. It’s the look in their eyes when you’ve got nothing to deal. Was I loved, or was I useful? Was I wanted, or assigned? Was I a person to them, or just what I could provide? Hope is a liar with a pretty face. Every time I followed it, it led me back to the same place. I’M NOT THEM! I know. I’M NOT THEM! I know. But my chest don’t believe me, and my hands still shake. My heart keeps confusing a touch with a cage. I know you ain’t the knife. I know you ain’t the flame. But I still smell smoke when you say my name. DON’T RUN FROM ME! I’m not running from you. I’m trying not to become what they turned me into. I bury myself in pixels, in engines, in stars, in songs I scream through speakers from a room full of scars. I write myself a universe where the pain obeys the page, where monsters wear their faces and the war has names. Out there it’s all noise, all hunger, all lies, everybody selling pieces of their soul for some eyes. I can’t take the cruelty, the ignorance, the greed, so I build another world where something still means something to me. I still want connection. God, I hate that it’s true. I’m repulsed by human nature, but I’m dying for it too. I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. I’M SCARED OF YES! I used to fear rejection. Now that wound feels small. No only leaves me standing. Yes can take it all. I used to dream of being accepted. Now I dream of somewhere else. A place where I’m not just useful. A place I’m not by myself.